I'd thought it had only been a couple weeks at most since I last posted anything here. The calender, common sense, and/or simple math (any of these, really) would have told me different. Being a fan of the easy way out, I chose calender. I'm a fan of easy. I'm also a fan of following through, which is why I even cared when the last time I posted was at all, rather than just posting something new. There must be some comment in there about someone who likes things easy yet makes them unnecessarily complicated for someone more clever than me. Anyhow, as it does for everyone, good, bad, or ugly, life has moved on in the time this blog has not. Some "earth moving under my feet"-type stuff, some "ugh, not THIS again"-type stuff, and some good old "WHY am I getting up at this time of day to make someone else rich?!"-type stuff which inevitably leads to "why am I not following through with my life plan as I swore I would do??"-type cursing and self-"affirmations". I assure you, that last bit could fill an entire Encyclopedia Britannica sized-shelf with volumes and volumes about fate and the choices we make. But that's not why I'm here. That's a bit too "in-depth character study and analysis" for my liking, and I'm here to attempt to entertain as much as to reveal. I *said* attempt, stop rolling your eyes! Some of the names have been changed to protect the sinful and delicious, or tangy and bitter (as the case may be). Here, in performance and pantomime, is the tri-weekly update.
There's something vaguely sensual, I daresay erotic, about sitting in the waiting room of the surgical wing of a hospital. The sterile white decor with added "touches" like a running wall fountain, comfortable chairs, wifi, free snacks and coffee, people walking around in scrubs, and the quiet that comes with tension and seriousness. Actually, there's nothing sensual, erotic, or even very pleasant about the experience. If you were nodding your head at my initial statement and agreeing, I'm guessing you're here between trips to the various hardcore bdsm and snuff sites you like to check regularly. It is obviously exponentially worse for whomever is at the business end of the scalpel as they are taking the risk of possible life. But hey, at least they get a nap out of it, right? This was my Thursday a few weeks ago. The waiting, not the scalping. Though the patient wasn't having life-threatening surgery, the plain fact is that everyone who is exposed to general anesthesia is entering a possible life-threatening situation. Nonetheless, life-threatening or not, the surgery I'm talking about is an excruciating one. It's being opened up to have your nose broken and then having your face scraped out with an instrument I'm guessing is straight out of the Dr.Giggles playbook. Following the surgery, patients can expect a horrific healing time which lasts for *two months*. If the patient is very tough, as is the one I'm talking about, then they'll be up on their feet the next day while in excruciating pain. If they're average, they;ll probably be comatose. Either way, whatever the person is able to do, pain will be an unavoidable part of it. While taking care of said patient in the days afterwards, I developed great appreciation for the intensity of the experience for her. The risk for me was none. I was an observer. But my emotions did get a workout, as I'm sure everyone who waits for someone they love while that person is being hacked up understands. It's not a pleasant state to be in, waiting for someone you met that morning who is in charge of the fate of the love of your life to come out and just tell you "everything went well." But it's a necessary one. Where else was I going to be but waiting for word. Relief washed over me when I heard those words. The hard part was over. Now, the hours and days of pain and discomfort which stretched out lay ahead. But I could deal with that. Knowing everything went well and I had my love back in (relatively) one piece was all that mattered. Pretty exciting stuff for a Thursday.
It's been a couple weeks of strange feelings. Just yesterday, our record label re-released our first album, I suppose as a "welcome to the family" gesture. Our other albums will be getting the same treatment over the successive months, and we're using this occasion to add extras to these editions which were not included the first time around. Things like unreleased tracks, remixes of released tracks, tracks which were recorded in the course of an album but left out, new artwork and liner notes, and who knows, maybe we'll get inventive and add some of the interview footage we filmed last year. If you're a fan of the band, I'm really grateful for you, and I'm really thrilled to be doing this project, for you but also the new fans. And that brings me to the strangeness of this particular situation. I say we're releasing "Prelude", our first album, but what I really mean is "our" first album. Why? Very simple, if you know anything about the band. For much of its existence, Era Nocturna has been a one-woman force. Dae, singer, composer, engineer extraordinaire, WAS Era Nocturna. There were early abortive attempts to incorporate the name as an actual band, but that's exactly what they were. Attempts. And after the inability to make that happen, Dae decided to continue on, by herself. And she did, for many years, and as a result produced a stunning body of work. But then, in 2008, the idea was broached again of making Era Nocturna into an actual band. A conversation happened between Dae and another musician. It was in 2008 that I was first approached by that musician, who I was working with at the time, to gauge my interest in possibly joining the band to help flesh it out. A little embarrassingly, I admit I really hadn't heard of Era Nocturna when I was originally asked. See, I was not a goth, knew almost nothing about the scene or the music. I was a metal kid. Raised on rock and metal, I spent most of my career thrashing out beats in literally dozens of bands. But at the time I was approached, I'd about reached the end of my tether in traditional bands, and was tiring of playing the music I'd been playing for a couple decades. I loved it as a listener, but playing it anymore, even just being in a band, was really losing its appeal for me, for many reasons. And as it happened, the band I was in at the time just so happened to be falling apart internally. Perfect. I was given a copy of "Lackluster" and told to get back to them when I'd made up my mind. I was calling the next day. I'd listened as soon as I got home, and was instantly a fan. I started writing up charts for the songs and listening a lot. But...........as so often happens with music, the timing wasn't right for the fruition of my joining Era Nocturna. It wasn't happening. I went on to immerse myself in more projects, including scoring a film, and Dae went on to release "Lackluster", and then take a bit of a break from the business of EN. But then, in 2010, the idea was broached again of making Era Nocturna into an actual band (...see what I did there?) It happened at an Alice Cooper/Rob Zombie concert. Dae turned to her friend and a bass player at a particularly bombastic moment and gave her marching orders - start learning my songs, because I'm getting this rolling. Like a ticker tape, I began seeing the status updates rolling by from Dae's Facebook page. Things like "rehearsal tonight. Sounding awesome." At this point, I'd been out of band life of any kind for two years. The only regret I'd had in those two years was that joining Era Nocturna hadn't worked. It was bad timing for all involved, and wasn't the right move. But that was in 2008. Looking at that in 2010, I knew it would work. I contacted Dae, who I hadn't spoken to for almost that entire two years, and broached the subject. It's been two years, and many, many gigs and lineup and personnel changes later, Dae and I are still here as Era Nocturna. In fact, here as Era Nocturna and in every other way two people can be "here." Somewhere along the way we fused and realized our chemistry in the band wasn't band chemistry, it was personal chemistry that extended to making music together and everything beyond. Which brings us to now, September 2012, where an earlier conversation about the re-release of "Prelude" gave way to a discussion about our upcoming plans for us and our friends this Halloween, which happened with us on couches 5 feet from each other in the apartment we share.I'm trying to think of a cute and tidy way to encapsulate what it's all meant to me, or what it means to me right now, but I can't. Love, adoration, fusion, psychic emanations. There's all of it. And all after breaking a rule I'd held and never even wavered on my entire life, the rule that you NEVER mix music, work, and intimate relationships. Why did I break it this time? Because after 25+ years of being in bands, I finally found someone worth breaking it for. And it was without any doubt the right move. Wow, somewhere in all of this I had a thread, and then meandered through this canal...I think talking about the surgery earlier brought me from talking about the band to talking about my relationship. But there is a thread...I see it! And the thread is the strange feeling I have surrounding the re-release of the back catalogue of albums. While I feel fully part of the band, no question, in some sense I also feel a duality, one which Dae, I assume, doesn't experience. That of the band member, and the fan. I am fully a member. I made it possible for us to play live, I made it possible for us to end our June show with an acoustic cover of "Right Where it Belongs", with Dae on vocals and myself on acoustic and vocals, I make 95% of the setlists you hear when you come see us. There are many other things I do as well. But it is a unique position to be in. I joined the band because I became a fan of the music. That's something that has only grown with time. And when we get to the point after our next album is released, Dae and I will be co-writing all future Era Nocturna albums. Yes, I'm a drummer, which is how people see me, but I'm also a songwriter, singer, and play multiple instruments.I fully understand where my public face lies in the context of the band. After more than a decade, I was brought in to help the band to transition to its next phase. And while I don't expect it to catch on for quite some time for anyone but those who know Dae and I personally that I do more than help bring the music to life for the live shows, I am itching for that transition to take place. I am loving my time in Era Nocturna as an integral part of the band's history from here on out. I love every minute of it. But it is a bit strange for me. Because I came in a decade on, to something that was fully formed and established. The songs in our live shows, and all the previous releases constitute Dae's efforts, her blood, sweat, and tears, her compositions and performance. So it leaves me in a very interesting place, which I reflect on at moments like this, with the re-release of "Prelude". I am pleased as a co-leader, and promoting accordingly, but I am also excited as a fan of music which I had nothing to do with. It's a very, very interesting situation, one that is completely unique in my 25-year career as a musician.
And the last thing I'll share from the last 3 weeks - because really how long does this fucking blog need to be?! - which has left me feeling a bit strange, is the public nature of grief I've seen dealing with a few specific incidents; not just in the last 3 weeks but the last few months. This is the one here that may be the line in the sand for some people, more likely than not people I know. You can be pissed, but remember something I said in another post - your opinion is yours, mine is mine.
Sadly, I've seen a few deaths over the last few months. None were of people I knew on more than a superficial "in passing" level. Now let me say first, everyone handles grief differently. And I certainly realize that while some of us keep it as a personal, private, and internal thing, others among us need to reach out, for comfort, for commiseration, for reassurance, and reflection. There is no judgment for those broad categories of the different types of grieving. I would never judge such a thing. No. Because the Devil, as they say, is in the details. Let's talk for a minute about how access has changed the game in terms of grieving. In this case, the access I'm talking about is social media. More specifically, Facebook. Now we all gripe about insubstantive posts, the nature of what people spend their time talking about, etc etc. We all do this while at some point being guilty of the very same thing. Fair enough. If humans are anything, we're self-righteous hypocrites. However, that feeling takes a turn into something a bit more substantial when it comes to the public grieving people seem to engage in on Facebook. Some days as I read through my newsfeed, it seems like everyone is in mourning for someone. But when you do a bit of digging, what you really tend to find, as often as not, are a couple different things.The first, and perhaps most disturbing, are those people who had a passing relationship with whomever has passed, yet are calling out for sympathy as if it was their own partner/parent/child/relative who died. These people seem to relish posting over and over again about their sadness at the person's passing, who at the same time had no real relationship with that person, but nonetheless love nothing more than to tell the one or two stories they have that show authenticity for their grief. You tend to find this with more "public" deaths, and especially for victims of homicide. I saw this unfold in several different instances this spring when a young local girl was heinously murdered by her partner, who was also the father of her children. The tragedy of this situation was almost instantly overshadowed by people clamoring to post about their connection to either person involved or their families. I had a tenuous connection to the case myself. I didn't talk about it of course, because I didn't really know either person or the situation. And why would so many people come forth to talk about such a horrible tragedy in an almost callous way? Because it's a relatively small local area. And for those who have lived here their entire lives, it's very likely that there is some connection to anyone else who has lived here their entire lives, no matter how tenuous. I ask, "AND?? What does that mean?" Can we please leave the actual grieving when someone passes to those who were actually affected? Take what I was just talking about. It was a horrible crime, and unfortunately both victim and perpetrator were young. By all accounts the girl who suffered was wonderful, and loved by many. Then can we look at this as the tragedy it is and leave the actual grieving and actual sympathy and actual attention to those who were truly affected? Aren't we just diluting the passing of a life by engaging in this kind of behavior? Is it too much to ask to just take a second and consider things?
Ahh, but there is also another type of griever, the type who did know the person who passed. And as such, they can't wait to share stories to show just how close they were. I swear, in the last few months watching some of these tragedies unfold, I've begun setting my watch by how quickly grief turns into super-grief, and remembrances become a way for people to cement their pride of place and level of importance in someone's life after they are gone, making sure everyone sees it and knows they are suffering. Seeing this phenomenon brings to mind some kind of weird, sick little contest in which everyone plays for the blue ribbon. I often ask myself, how is it you were so close to this person, experiencing so much grief, yet I never once heard you mention this person when they were alive? Why are you rewriting the relationship you had with them when you didn't have the time to call or see that person when you could've? Or, something I've seen more recently, why did it take them dying to make you finally realize how much you love them, instead of cheating on and betraying them when they were well, healthy, and there? Why do you claim to know them so well as you disrespect them by spouting out your Christian condolences of them being "an angel" and "in God's arms" when they were a committed Pagan, and certainly not Christian in any sense? This is all very harsh, and no doubt uncomfortable for some. And much more personal than I thought I'd ever get here. But I started thinking and opened my mouth and here it is. Let me just say, the wonderful thing about living where we do is that to express our disgust with someone's opinion, mine in this case, all we have to do is tune them out. If this is you, please do. Do not come at me aggressively and look to insult me, because this is my blog and I don't want to hear it. Take it somewhere else. I should make clear, I'm not bashing those who feel and experience real grief and have to share it for fear they might implode. And it's not to say some of us aren't deeply affected when someone, even someone we don't know very well, dies. There's nothing at all wrong with that and I always feel for people who are feeling loss. The people I'm talking about here are of different stock. They look at a terrible situation and find a way for it to bring them something they lack in other areas of their life. Attention, love, compassion, caring. I have no problem with finding these and bringing them into our lives. But to do so on the back of a life which is now over, there's something very, very wrong with that...
I've gone on so long for such a simple topic (taking a few weeks away) that I don't even know how to end it! Haha This started and ended in meandering fashion. I could feel weird about that, but how many others do this in equally public fashion? Isn't the point of blogging to a. write, and b. share? Clearly I've accomplished both of these things. And in future, I doubt things will be quite so long or serious. Meandering I can't do much about. My brain is wired the way it is, and I was never given any instruction manual or specs. So, come on back, and I promise we'll get back to the fun and entertainment! I feel a few things marinating upstairs that are just about ready to come out. Halloween, more music & favorites, and some other fun subjects are all coming.up in the next few days. But good lord, not tonight :-) Cheers for now...
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